Relationship advice (and the science behind it)

I had found a very interesting article wrote by Eric Barker. Here it is:

This Is How To Make Your Life Awesome: 6 Secrets From Research

There's a lot of good advice on how to be happier or more productive or how to have better relationships. But tips on how to improve your whole life -- something that will last decades and experience countless unpredictable changes -- those should be regarded with extreme skepticism.

The only way to really get some good insights would be to follow a lot of people for their entire lives and see what actually works. Luckily, somebody did...

The Study of Adult Development combined three massive longitudinal studies -- research projects that followed people from youth until old age -- to figure out what makes a good life.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

The Study of Adult Development is a rarity in medicine, for quite deliberately it set out to study the lives of the well, not the sick. In so doing it has integrated three cohorts of elderly men and women—all of whom have been studied continuously for six to eight decades. First, there is a sample of 268 socially advantaged Harvard graduates born about 1920— the longest prospective study of physical and mental health in the world. Second, there is a sample of 456 socially disadvantaged Inner City men born about 1930—the longest prospective study of “blue collar” adult development in the world. Third, there is a sample of 90 middle-class, intellectually gifted women born about 1910—the longest prospective study of women's development in the world… Like the proverbial half loaf of bread, these studies are not perfect; but for the present they are, arguably, the best lifelong studies of adult development in the world.

George Valliant is a professor at Harvard Medical School and led the study for over 30 years. His book is Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development. 

With almost a century of data on nearly 1000 people, there are plenty of insights. We'll cover 6 big ones that can get you on your path to awesomeness. (Remember: skimming my blog posts voids the warranty. If you don't read the whole thing and your life goes on to be awful, you will know why.)

Forgive me for starting with something obvious, but it had such an impact that it cannot be ignored...

1) Avoid Smoking And Alcohol

Hi, my name is Eric and it was never my intention to write afterschool specials but here we go: Kids, smoking is bad.

It was the #1 predictive factor of health.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

In both male cohorts not being a heavy smoker before the age of 50 was the most important single predictive factor of healthy physical aging. Among the College men heavy smoking (more than a pack a day for thirty years) was ten times more frequent among the Prematurely Dead than among the Happy-Well. Yet if a man had stopped smoking by about age 45, the effects of smoking (as much as one pack a day for twenty years) could at 70 or 80 no longer be discerned.

And drinking too much doesn't only hurt your health. Over the long haul it makes you less happy and screws up relationships.

Some people drink because they have problems. But the study showed alcohol is also an independent cause of problems, not merely a result.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

...prospective study reveals that alcohol abuse is a cause rather than a result of increased life stress, of depression, and of downward social mobility… Alcohol abuse—unrelated to unhappy childhood—consistently predicted unsuccessful aging, in part because alcoholism damaged future social supports.

Maintaining a healthy weight increased lifespan and regular exercise boosted both longevity and happiness. Plain and simple: those things you know you're supposed to do to stay healthy? Do them.

Okay, obligatory obvious stuff out of the way. You have to keep yourself healthy. But you also have to keep your brain healthy. And maybe not for the reasons you might guess...

2) Years of Education = Good

It's probably no surprise that, on average, the Harvard men were healthier at age 70 than the underprivileged men. But here's the twist...

If you compared only the guys from both groups who attended college, the difference vanished.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

...the physical health of the 70-year old Inner City men was as poor as that of the Harvard men at 80. But remarkably, the health of the college-educated Inner City men at 70 was as good as that of the Harvard men at 70. This was in spite of the fact that their childhood social class, their tested IQ, their income, and the prestige of their colleges and jobs were markedly inferior to those of the Harvard men. Parity of education alone was enough to produce parity in physical health.

This wasn't due to family income and it wasn't due to IQ. Pursuing more education led to better habits and healthier lives.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

The components of education that appeared to correlate with physical health in old age were self-care and perseverance—not IQ and parental income. The more education that the Inner City men obtained, the more likely they were to stop smoking, eat sensibly, and use alcohol in moderation.

Okay, prepare yourself: the next one can be a little sad for some people because we can't change the past... or can we?

3) A Happy Childhood

How much someone was loved as a child predicted their adult income better than knowing what social class they were brought up in.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

...for both the Inner City men and the Harvard men the best predictor of a high income was not their parents' social class but whether their mother had made them feel loved.

Many say that you can find out what someone is really made out of by seeing how they handle a really stressful situation. The Study of Adult Development found that the people who aged the best had coped well with something so horrific you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy:

Adolescence.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

Again, as I have followed the lives of the Inner City men, one of the best indicators of successful aging was how well they had adapted in junior high school. Of the 150 Inner City men with the best scores for coping in junior high school, 56 were among the Happy-Well and only 13 were among the Sad-Sick. Of the 19 Inner City men with the lowest scores for adolescent adaptation, only a single man was among the Happy-Well, and 11 men, three-fifths, were among the Sad-Sick or Prematurely Dead. Successful adolescence predicted successful old age.

Yes, all this kinda sucks for some people. Amazon doesn't sell Time Machines and me saying, "Well, you should have picked your parents better" is far from helpful. So if your childhood was less than perfect and your adolescence felt like a bad reality show, does this mean you're doomed?

No. What went right in childhood was much more predictive than what went wrong.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

A warm childhood, like a rich father, tended to inoculate the men against future pain, but a bleak childhood—such as with a poverty-stricken father—did not condemn either the Harvard or the Inner City men to misery… Perhaps the best summary statement is, What goes right in childhood predicts the future far better than what goes wrong.

And there's even more reason for hope. Sometimes love and support come late -- but that can be enough to heal old wounds.

When people found a loving spouse or trusted friends in adulthood, the damage of a tough childhood could be undone.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

It is not the bad things that happen to us that doom us; it is the good people who happen to us at any age that facilitate enjoyable old age… For women, as well as for men, spouses could sometimes heal dysfunctional childhoods… A good marriage at age 50 predicted positive aging at 80... After following disadvantaged Hawaiian youth for almost half a century, Emmy Werner explained that “the most salient turning points…for most of these troubled individuals, however, were meeting a caring friend and marrying an accepting spouse.”

We need love at every age. A warm childhood is a great blessing but, as with so many other things in life: "better late than never."

So if the study found one big thing you damn well better remember, what was it?

4) Relationships Are Everything

Plenty of the men and women who had smarts and family wealth didn't fare well. And many who had fewer advantages did just fine. It was people's ability to deal with others that made the biggest difference.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

The lives of all three cohorts repeatedly demonstrated that it was social aptitude—sometimes called emotional intelligence—not intellectual brilliance or parental social class that leads to a well-adapted old age. …successful aging means giving to others joyously whenever one is able, receiving from others gratefully whenever one needs it, and being greedy enough to develop one's own self in between.

What's one of the biggest mistakes we make when it comes to relationships? Not working hard enough to create new ones when the old ones fade away.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

Successful aging requires continuing to learn new things and continuing to take people in …a widening social radius at age 50 was just as important to successful psychosocial aging as emotional maturity.

Asked to summarize the results of The Grant Study (the Harvard group), Valliant simply replied, “Happiness is love. Full stop.”

So what separated those who succeeded with others from those who failed? It ended up being one of the most powerful predictive factors in the study...

5) Coping Skills

Using "mature defenses." Basically that means how you respond to the painful thoughts and feelings produced by difficult people and this occasional horror show called life.

When things don't go their way, teenagers scream and pout and blame everyone but themselves. However, when people become adults... well, sometimes they still scream and pout and blame everyone but themselves.

And this does not lead to good things. How you cope with the inevitable problems of life has far-reaching, long-term consequences.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

...In both samples mature defenses were common among the Happy-Well and virtually absent among the Sad-Sick.

Blaming others, being passive-aggressive, living in denial, acting out and retreating into fantasy were all maladaptive coping mechanisms associated with poor outcomes. These behaviors soothed bad feelings in the short term and wreaked havoc in the long term by ruining relationships and producing lousy life decisions.

Those who thrived chose more mature methods of coping like altruism, sublimation, suppression and humor.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

These four mature coping strategies are not only associated with maturity, but they can be reframed as virtues. Such virtues can include doing as one would be done by (altruism); artistic creation to resolve conflict and spinning straw into gold (sublimation); a stiff upper lip, patience, seeing the bright side (suppression); and the ability not to take oneself too seriously (humor). These latter behaviors are the very stuff of which Victorian morality plays are made and they provide antidotes to narcissism.

Adolescence always ends but, sadly, self-absorbed, attention-seeking adolescent behavior can continue long into old age. For some people it reaches truly tragic, pathological extremes like blogging.

So if you learn to use mature coping skills and don't act like a selfish brat, you're ahead of the game. But those who truly thrived took it to whole 'nother level...

6) “Generativity”

Bottom line: "generativity" is giving back.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

Generativity means community building. Depending on the opportunities that the society makes available, Generativity can mean serving as a consultant, guide, mentor, or coach to young adults in the larger society. Research reveals that between age 30 and 45 our need for achievement declines and our need for community and affiliation increases.

When we're young, we're all a little selfish. And that's okay. We need to figure the world out, we need to figure ourselves out and we need to build a life.

But when that is done, the best way to selfishly improve your life is to be unselfish and focus on helping those around you.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

Among all three samples generative men and women at 50 were three to six times as likely to be among the Happy-Well in old age as among the Sad-Sick… In all three Study cohorts mastery of Generativity tripled the chances that the decade of the 70s would be for these men and women a time of joy and not of despair.

Spend your first few decades building a good life and a well-rounded self – and then spend the remaining decades sharing with others what you have gained and learned.

Okay, we've covered a lot. Let's round it all up and learn what effect the big six actually have...

Sum Up:

This is how to make your life awesome:

Avoid smoking and alcohol: Duh.

Years of education = good: Education seems to increase good habits (and being surrounded by smart, ambitious people never hurts).

Have a happy childhood: It's huge. And surrounding yourself later in life with people who love you can help repair a difficult youth.

Relationships are everything: "Happiness is love. Full stop."

Mature coping skills: Stop projecting and stop being passive-aggressive. Use mature defenses like humor when life gets hard. (Yes, immature humor is still mature coping. You're welcome.)

Generativity: Build a good life, a well-rounded self and then give back.

George Valliant spent so long interviewing people who were receiving Social Security checks that by the time he finished, he was receiving them, too.

His father had been an archaeologist, an arena that he had no interest in. But looking around at the stacks and stacks of reports covering literally thousands of years of people's lives, he realized, in a way, he'd become an archaeologist too.

His book contains a startling number of insights into what does (and decidedly does not) create a good life. We covered the big ones. So what would happen if you could tell good ol' George your personal score on the above six recommendations?

On average, he'd be able to predict your health and happiness for the next thirty years.

From Aging Well: Surprising Guideposts to a Happier Life from the Landmark Study of Adult Development:

The protective factors… a stable marriage, the ability to make lemonade from lemons, avoiding cigarettes, modest use of alcohol, regular exercise, high education, and maintaining normal weight—allow us to predict health thirty years in the future.

None of the above pieces of advice was "inherit a billion dollars" or "win the Olympic gold medal in ice dancing." They're things we all can do, even if that means forming new relationships or taking some college classes at night.

A good life is not outside your reach. It will take some effort -- but you knew that, right? The important part is that it's in your control. Frankly, George said it best:

“Whether we live to a vigorous old age lies not so much in our stars or our genes as in ourselves.”

It is not success that is bringing happiness, it is happiness that’s bringing success!

Read this article for more information.

Happiness report 2016 (worldwide)

Something interesting to study, even if just to see if you leave in a happy country or not? Are you curious?

There it is: Happiness report 2016 (worldwide) online, or you can download it from here.

What we have and what we don't?

What we have?
We have time, enough time to do anything.
We have eyes, to see the beauty of the world unraveling all around us.
We have ears to listen to the most perfect music, and that is not the one from the radio, but the heart of the loved one beating faster as we rest close enough.
We have taste to try the most amazing foods, and we can check on the real deal now, without travelling all the way to Tokyo or Barcelona.
We can feel the warmth of the sun in a good day, or the rain drops, or even the snowflakes landing softly on our skin.
We can smell on some amazing range of perfumes, and this is enough to make our thought go wilder.

What we don't have?
We don't have time, as we are over-scheduled and overwhelmed by a huge amount of crappy activities. The golden rule, you do not like it and you have no real benefit from it, don't do it.
We watch, but we don't look, we are merely passing by, with our eyes popped in the screen of the smartphone or tablet.
We are constantly assaulted by noises, and we probably forget what the real, complete silence is. Try to find 5 minutes in some quiet place, relaxing yourself.
We got our taste perverted by too much sweetness and salt, and most often the blandness of the food is hidden behind powerful preservatives and enhancers.
We automatically divide the smells in good or bad, without knowing that for one person the smell of horse shit is abominable, and for another is the smell of the childhood, when everyone was happy together with mom and dad and the other 7 siblings.
We do not feel enough, not internally, not externally either.

And the worst of all, nobody will teach us how to be happy. Because this is a personal journey, and you are the only one to do your homework. Good luck!

Today's thoughts

"Human beings are wired to care and give and it's probably our best route to happiness."
- Dacher Keltner -

Funny thing, this affirmation will probably contradict our beliefs as an adult, but it is known that toddlers as young as one year old will take an object that parents drop and give it back. Compassion and kindness should be traits that need to be trained and mastered by every human being, and gratitude is a well known trait found in the animal kingdom.

And a nice bonus, until 7th of November you can watch this movie, with Leo di Caprio interviewing all kind of individuals about what need to be done to prevent a catastrophic event on Earth.

Playfulness and the art of changing yourself

Motto: "Play is the work of the child." Maria Montessori

But somebody else also said: In the moment we forget how to play as a child, we die inside. A bit dramatic, but the latest researches showed this to be true to some extent. If we are focusing only on the adult side of life, on solving problems, getting bigger wages and fame or reputation, we are wrong. Doing the same thing over and over will have a deep impact on our feelings, even if it is something that we like (hedonic adaptation is a bxxxh, i know). What we need is to do something new every day (neuroplasticity reasons, anthropological reasons, magical reasons, you name it), to find new ways of play, new hobbies ( Did you know that learning how to juggle can change your life, your attitude and rewire your brain? Learning a second language will do something similar too.).

So, your task for today is to find a new way to play, as a child, in a non-competitive manner.

If you want the master level task - find a new hobby for you and become better at it in the next six months.

Good luck,
G.

About death, happiness and Bhutanese way of living

A very interesting link about happiness, but as they see it from another angle than us, Westerners.

Why we play?

There are many reasons why we play, starting as a toddler, with babbling and pick-a-boo, until we become a teenager, playing to fully form our identities. But if you really want to know more, read this link. Is too important to miss.

Self-compassion and happiness (part 2)

Kristin Neff, from Texas University, tried to introduce a new concept, called self-compassion - queting one's inner critic and replace it with a voice of support, understanding and care. This time I will say few more words about each of the components of self-compassion.

There are three main components of self-compassion:

1.Self kindness (vs. self judgement). This is an active component. It is more than an attitude. It is actively seeking what is helping and soothing us, what is helping us to heal, repair and regenerate faster.

2.Common humanity (vs. isolation). Very often, when something inconvenient happen to us, we ask: Why me?. We need to understand than nothing is perfect. Sometimes life goes wrong. We do not need to isolate ourselves, to suffer in silence, as this happen to us, Us as the big Ego, the most important being on Earth. Even if this is the trend, the mistake that everyone consider it as a normal fact. It is better to be connected. To not be cut off from others. We are not the only one suffering, There are others like us, and all of us are part of a bigger sphere, called humanity.

3.Mindfulness (vs. over-identification). Notice your suffering. Try to be with is as it is. Do not avoid it. In doing this, you will become more powerful, more courageous. Emotionally, many of us are in constant pain, due to our self-critic component of our personality. This is not needed. This can and must be changed. We need to be supportive and confident with ourselves. If a problem appear, we do not need to go straight in problem solving mode, and then struggle to solve it right away. Some problems take time, some are never meant to be solved. This is not the optimal attitude. Try to observe first, to estimate and to realize that this could be difficult. Not to use all our resources to solve what we consider to be a problem. Most of the problems are somewhere in the future. If we are in the present, many of the problems are not here. Like Mark Twain used to say: "In my life i have a big number of problems and difficulties, and most of them never happen."

Consider all these thoughts for a moment, and do your gram of practical action.

Good luck and good will,
G.

Why aren't we happy yet?

Between the toxic thoughts that stop us being happy are

• perfectionism
• social comparison
• materialism instead experiences
• maximizing pleasure instead being satisfied.

Are you that kind of person that is still changing the TV channels hoping to find something better, even if you are looking at something that you like? Chances are that you are a maximizer. As a maximizer, you score lower on scales of happiness, optimism, self esteem and life satisfaction. Why?

Because maximizing means you are a perfectionism, and this relate more to unhappiness and discontent. In front of multiple choices, choose the first option and stay with that. 

How to satisfice instead of maximize (and therefore be more happy):

1. Outline your criteria for success.
2. Choose first option that meets the criteria.
3. Once the decisions are done, focus on the positive aspects of the choice.

Good luck!

G.

A Little Meditation Goes a Long Way

By Jason Marsh | February 9, 2011 

A new study offers the strongest evidence to date that meditation can change the structure of your brain.

  

I consider myself something of a prospective meditator—meaning that a serious meditation practice is always something I’m about to start… next week.

So for years, I’ve been making a mental note of new studies showing that meditation can literally change our brain structure in ways that might boost concentration, memory, and positive emotions.

Jacob Wackerhausen

The results seem enticing enough to make anyone drop into the full lotus position—until you read the fine print: Much of this research involves people who have meditated for thousands of hours over many years; some of it zeroes in on Olympic-level meditators who have clocked 10,000 hours or more. Pretty daunting.

Well, a new study offers some hope—and makes the benefits of meditation seem within reach even for a novice like me.

The study, published last month in the journal Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, suggests that meditating for just 30 minutes a day for eight weeks can increase the density of gray matter in brain regions associated with memory, stress, and empathy.

The researchers tracked 16 people who were participating in the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program, the training program developed more than 30 years ago by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Over eight weekly meetings, the program leads participants through meditation exercises meant to build the skills of mindfulness—a moment-by-moment awareness of one’s thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment. Participants are supposed to try these practices on their own between classes.

For decades, people who’ve completed the MBSR training have reported feeling less stress and more positive emotions; participants suffering from chronic illnesses say they experience less pain afterward.

But in this study, the researchers weren’t just asking the participants how they felt. They were examining their brains, two weeks before and right after the eight-week program. Over the same period, they also scanned the brains of people who didn’t receive the MBSR training.

The MBSR participants, none of whom were experienced meditators, reported spending just under half an hour per day on their meditation “homework.” Yet when their brains were scanned at the end of the program, their gray matter was significantly thicker in several regions than it was before.

Brain scans of the hippocampus, showing the regions the researchers determined were affected by meditation.

Brain scans of the hippocampus, showing the regions the researchers determined were affected by meditation.

Image adapted from B. Hölzel, et al., Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging Vol. 191 (1), January 30, 2011, pp. 36-43.

One of those regions was the hippocampus, which prior research has found to be involved in learning, memory, and the regulation of our emotions. The gray matter of the hippocampus is often reduced in people who suffer from depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The researchers also found denser gray matter in the temporo-perietal junction and the posterior cingulated cortex of the meditators’ brains—regions involved in empathy and taking the perspective of someone else—and in the cerebellum, which has been linked to emotion regulation.

These brain changes may suggest that meditation improves people’s ability to regulate their emotions, control their stress levels, and feel empathy for others, says Britta Hölzel, the study’s lead author and a research fellow at Massachusetts General Hospital and the University of Geissen in Germany. However, she stresses that these conclusions are still very speculative.

The group that didn’t receive the MBSR training didn’t show any of these positive changes in brain structure.

Previous research has shown that the structure of very experienced meditators’ brains is different from non-meditators in certain regions, but it couldn’t prove that the meditators didn’t have exceptional brains to begin with. This is the first study to document a difference in brain structure from before someone starts a meditation practice to after they’ve gotten underway—and after only eight weeks, at that.

While other research, notably a 2003 study led by Richard Davidson of the University of Wisconsin, Madison, has shown that people’s brain activity changes after the eight-week MBSR course, there hadn’t been evidence that the effects of meditation can go so deep as to change the structure of the brain.

The results of this new study offer further evidence for the “plasticity” of the brain, meaning it can change its shape over time. That suggests we’re not simply stuck with the neural cards we’re dealt; we can fundamentally improve our cognitive and emotional capacities. 

“I think what’s really positive and promising about this study is that it suggests our well-being is in our hands,” says Hölzel. “What I find fascinating is that just paying attention in a different way and being more aware can have such an impact that it even changes the structure of our brain.”

It’s important to note that meditation isn’t the only research-tested way to produce these changes in the brain. A study published last week, in The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, found that the hippocampus of people in their 60s increased in volume after they’d walked around a track three times per week for a year; in peers who did less aerobic exercises, the hippocampus actually got smaller.

The upshot of all this research seems to be: Small steps matter. Many of us can bring about positive effects on our brains and overall well-being—without an Olympic effort.

It’s enough to turn a prospective meditator like me into an actual one.

Full article here.

Sound happy, feel happy

   According to a research done by the French National Centre for Scientific Research, manipulation of vocal emotion alter speakers' emotional status in a congruent direction. In translation, if you sound happier, you will soon feel happier and everyone around you will be happier. The voice affects your mood and everyone's else around you. 

   This is an important cue, that will make us more responsible, to be always aware of our tone and voice. We are now in charge, and we should never sound sad, fearful or depressed. 

Queen Amygdala and the war of stars

   Today we will explore a bio-hack opportunity to improve our nervous system response to the negative and positive things. We will go through some of the recent researches related to amygdala - a small almond-shaped region of the brain. Until recently, the scientists were seeing amygdala as the fear center of the brain, always on lookout for potential threats. Increased activity of this region was linked to depression and anxiety, however, less was known about how amygdala is responding to positive stimuli, and how this activity is relating to feeling positive emotions. 

   William Cuningham (University of Toronto) and Alexander Todorov (Princeton University) explored these new hypotheses. They've discovered that amygdala is implicated in human connection, compassion and happiness. According to their research, the happiest people do not ignore threats. They just might be better at seeing the good. In a fMRI study done last year, Cunningham and his colleagues found that negative images provoke amygdala activity, as expected. But  positive images did as well - but only when the participants were explicitly told to focus on them. This research suggest that people may be able to compensate for their tendency to focus on threats, on negativity, by consciously trying to focus more on the positive ("given the proper ability and motivation, they can show the same sensitivity to positive stimuli", as they automatically do to negative stimuli). Another study that included Cunningham and Todorov, to be published this year, found that amygdala may also be the "heart of compassion", as activity spiked when participants perceived people in need. This was especially true for participants who scored high on empathy. Added to other research that linked the ability to connect with and help others to personal wellbeing, all these studies suggest that humans posses a compassionate instinct that exists even in parts of the brain that are referred as primitive or reptilian. 

   Cuningham and Kirkland sought to determine whether the amygdala of happier people respond differently to positive and negative stimuli when compared with less-happy people. The researchers found that happier people have greater amygdala activation in response to positive stimuli, but they did not have a decreased response to negative ones, as would be predicted by the "rose-colored glasses" theory. 

   It seems that even at a very deep, instinctive level, we are wired to see people in need and help each other out, and that doing so might help us to be happy. 

Happiness tips and tricks

This is a 2 stages exercise.

Stage 1
Do one random act of kindness, no matter how large or small, every day for one month.

Stage 2
Do 7 random acts of kindness in one week, for one month, but all 7 in the same day.

In which stage do you think it is more fulfilling for you?

The answer is: Stage 2, because doing all 7 random acts of kindness in same day it is perceived as an extra effort that will provide an immediate durable boost in your own happiness.

Quote of the day

"If you want to be happy for an hour, have a nap,
if you want to be happy for a day, go fishing,
if you want to be happy for a month, get married,
if you want to be happy for an year, inherit a fortune,
if you want to be happy for a lifetime, help others."
(Chinese proverb)

Now we can see that first to are actions with immediate effect and fast hedonic adaptation. Third and forth are major life events, but the hedonic adaptation will still kick in after a while. (Added info: according to recent research, the happiness related to marriage period is about two years.). But the lifetime changing choice is kindness, and more exactly the kindness-happiness loop.

Let me explain more, it is about a research made by Sonia Liubomirsky, where in the phase one, people where asked to remember when they buy something nice for them, paying 20-100$, or when they spend the same amount of money for charity. In both cases they had an increase on overall happiness, but in the case of giving the increase was significantly higher. Now, in the second phase, they were given 20-50$ and asked to spend it on their own or to give in to someone in need. Same as in the phase one, the ones giving had a more significant increase in happiness, but a side effect emerged. The ones that remembered giving where more happy and more likely to spend the money helping others. It is like kindness make you more happy, and being happy make you more kind, in a kind of loop effect.

Conclusion: Be kind with others. Now, according to another experiment, when people where asked to do 5 random acts of kindness in one week, for 6 weeks, some did one every day for five day, some did all five of them on a set day, let's say Friday. Measured, the happiness was much higher at the people who did it on one day, than people who did it most of the days. The theory is that all five acts of random kindness will build a distinguishable experience of that day. When we are making an extra effort, we are gaining in extra happiness. Learn and apply this. You can have a happy life too!

Kind regards
G.

Kindness for children 101

Do you want your kid to be happy, altruistic and kind?

In a very interesting study about the altruistic tendencies in children, as an answer to the question is kindness a trait we are born with or we learn, the children meet a monkey toy and the experimenter give them 8 treats, give one treat to the monkey, the child found a treat and give it to the monkey and choose to give one of his/her own treat to the monkey. The result showed that the biggest increase in happiness was when the child sacrifice one of own treats and give it to the monkey.

While other studies have suggested adults are happier giving to others than to themselves and that kids are motivated to help others spontaneously, this is the first study to suggest that altruism is intrinsically rewarding even to very young kids, and that it makes them happier to give than to receive.

These findings complement recent studies that have shown that giving kids rewards for their prosocial behavior may actually undermine kindness. One possible explanation for these somewhat counterintuitive findings is that, in order for children to grow up seeing themselves as kind and giving, it is important for them to feel that they do good because they want to, not because others expect them to.

Of course, this does not diminish the importance of a loving and kind environment, in which adults teach the importance of prosocial behavior, including by modelling that behavior themselves. It merely suggests that nature may have given us a happy head-start in the task of raising kind kids.


Full link here

Cross-group friendship

Wendy Berry  (2007) discovered that it is good for health to have egalitarian attitudes (to not have any prejudice, to treat and think to all people as equal). Cross-group friendship means to be exposed to other people from other groups and become friend with them. Elizabeth Page used what she called Art Aron "fast friend procedure" to study this phenomenon. Two people come together and start asking questions. They start with easy ones like "what is your favorite color?" and continue. After 45 minutes stress levels caused by inter-group interaction are going down and they can ask close intimate questions. More surprising it is that once the stress levels caused by inter-group interaction decrease, it will stay low, and even after 2-4 weeks, doing the same thing will be much easier. As a result, we will have a general increase of individual happiness, but also of humanity average happiness.

Penny for your thoughts?

Legendary weapons in World of Warcraft,one trip to Bali, friendship and happiness

Just few words about friendship in relation with happiness and I am done. Not enough time today, getting ready to see the new Sasha Cohen Baron movie, called Grimsby. I am enjoying being back in my little town when I have friends being miserable in Bali.

• According to some research, the number of close friends declined by 33% over past generation. (Not very funny, but most of my close friends at some point in time "unfriended" each other over items drop in World of Warcraft)
• In 1971, a researcher called Trivers said that we start to trade and share resources with others whom we call friends.
• Shelley Taylor point that tendencies toward friendship and connection activate oxytocin and counteract the responses at stress.
• Friendship is associated with better health profiles.
• In 1979, Berkman and Syme found that if you do not have a strong network of friends, you are 1.9 to 3.1 times more likely to die.
• Nancy Adler and Kiko Claser discovered that rich patterns of friendship will result in less stress on daily basis and lower levels of cortisol.

In conclusion, friendship is not only good for happiness, but it is also beneficial to physical health and stress profiles. 

Quote of the day

"Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it. "(Greg Anderson)

If you are in the search of happiness, this is one of the practical way to achieve it. Think about it. And apply it.

How to predict the future (part 366)

According to a longitudinal study that was done for more than 50 years, you can predict the future of a relationship from a 10 minutes discussion between the two partners.
Short version:
1. If you identify one of this four negative traits: contempt, stonewalling, criticism and defensiveness, chances are that the relationship will not last. All four traits and you got 92% chance to not be in that relation after 10 years.

2. If you have these positive traits, the more the better, chances are that you will live happily ever after. The positive traits are: humor, simple acts of appreciation, forgiveness and communication (being emotionally open to each other, to be more exact).

Not that you know this, you have no excuse. Apply it and be happy. Together.

See you soon.
G.